Blog Posts

Fabulously Forty & Free…

I often struggle with feeling good enough because I haven’t reached my ideal of perfection by a self-imposed deadline. I frequently get down on myself because I’m still a work in progress.

As I approach 40, I realize that chasing perfection in this life is akin to a rabbit running on a wheel chasing a dangling carrot just out of reach.

As long as I am breathing, I will be imperfect and make mistakes. Yet my faults do not make me unlovable; they make me human.

——

I am slowly learning to be okay with my mistakes, to own them, and accept who I am, a child of God. My identity is in Him alone. That is how I find peace.

My greatest failure would be to believe I will ever be a finished masterpiece in this life.

God loves me too much to ever stop helping me grow in the Holy Spirit, to ever stop helping me push beyond human limits.

My greatest strength comes not in rising on my own, but in turning to God, trusting Him, letting Him love me every time I fall.

It is only in God that I am lifted above the madness of this world, that I am given real freedom.

Ruth Renee

11-15-2019

#healingdiaries #ruthrenee #godisgood #fierce #fabulous #free #childofgod #40thbirthday #40 #perfectionism #deepthoughts #freedom #peace #greatestfailure #greateststrength #lifeperspective #mylifesofar #lettinggo #grabbingholdofgod #godwithwideopenarms #prodigal son

A year can change everything…

What a difference a year and prayer makes!

I am still learning to trust God each morning, each time I feel scared.

I never asked to live with complex PTSD.

I would never wish on another living soul the nightmares, flashbacks, confusion, triggers turned into moments of terror.

But my complex PTSD reminds me I am human and can never do this life without God. It leads me to prayer and the word of God.

He comforts me and calms my wounded heart.

Today, the pain I live with humbles me, and reminds me I am only strong when I allow the Lord to carry me….the hardest truth and love for me to accept.

The pain pushes me to write, so that I may make myself and others aware of the love Jesus offers me, the most precious love of all.

I don’t always understand God’s plan for me, but I am trying to live His way by faith.

I am believing prayer works, and we are never alone.

I choose authentic over perfect.

Perfection is too great a burden to bear.

I am human. I allow myself to make mistakes, and not go into a shame spiral for it.

Admitting I can’t do it all was a hard pill to swallow.

I’m ready to do things God’s way.

Dear daughter,

Do you know that you are LOVED BEYOND MEASURE?

More than your mind can ever comprehend! Even when life gets hard, when you feel scared, alone, sad or unworthy…. please don’t ever give up.

You mean the world to me! You are my everything!

Please know 100% with all your heart, that you are IMPORTANT, WORTHY, and have GREAT IDEAS! I love your cardboard creations, online designer houses, your bold fashion statements and perfect dance moves.

You have a gift of understanding and wisdom that most kids your age don’t have. You are a good friend to people and all animals. You have just the magic touch with our puppies and chickens.

Please know when you feel your worst, when you feel you are not good enough….that you are always enough! You are BRAVE and MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this world EVERY DAY, just by BEING YOU!!!

I can’t wait to see what gift you choose to share most with the world when you grow up. Will you be a teacher, an architect, a singer, a veterinarian, an activist for the environment or animals….? The list goes on and on.

You are so very talented, and your heart is bigger than the Milky Way. You can do whatever your giant heart desires if you put in the work, and I know you can!

I see all the good desires in your heart, and will ALWAYS believe in you, and love you NO MATTER WHAT mistakes you make. Please don’t ever be afraid to be you!

You cannot succeed without making mistakes. An expert is just someone who has failed more times than a beginner has tried.

I BELIEVE IN YOU 200% with all my heart and soul.

I love, love, love you!!! XOXOXO

Love,

Mom

Rest & PTSD…

Telling the story of my past
Overcome with exhaustion
sadness, fear, and hurt

Thoughts haze and fog
Droopy eyelids blink
Head weighs heavy
Memories of trauma
Impossible to carry
Alone

Drive home safe
Collapse into bed
Open the window
Turn on the fan
Weighted blankets
Fetal position
Calves twitch
Intestines flutter
God whispers, “rest”

Weak eyelids closing
I whisper this prayer

God, I’m hurt and scared
This terror from my past
I can’t carry it alone
I need your armor
I need your love
I need you with me

Help me know
it’s safe to rest

Meet me, Jesus
in my worry
hurt and fear

Meet me, Jesus
in my room
on my bed

Make it safe
Make it safe
to sleep
to rest
to be alone

I trust you, Jesus
I surrender

Safe to rest
Safe to rest

Body, surrender
Body, rest

-Ruth Renee
05.16.2020

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http://www.ruthrenee.com

#ruthrenee #healingdiaries #rest #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #hope #healing #overcoming #recovery #traumarecovery #hopewriterlife #writer #poem #poems #trust #trustinggod #godisgood #godissafe #safe #safetorest

To everything there is a season…

God is good!! God is trustworthy! God is faithful.

It took me a long time to take steps to where I believed even the first three words, “God is good!” I have struggled to live my life being able to fully trust and love anyone, most especially myself and God.

Life hit bottom for me 2 years ago. My marriage was ending, and I was in a hospital alone far from home.

I wasn’t expecting any visitors, but I received two. The first was my husband. We got in a fight, and I told him, “don’t come back.” The next time I was told I had a visitor, I couldn’t imagine who else knew I was there.

I was brought to tears when I saw it was my kind, new neighbor. I was surprised she had made the hour drive to see me. She sat with me, visited and listened to me, and even brought me a gift.

The gift was a turquoise, leather-bound devotional book. She didn’t know it, but turquoise was my favorite color at the time. I also found the smooth texture of the book to be very comforting during this scary time.

My new neighbor’s act of love to visit me so far away touched the deepest parts of my hurting heart in a way no one else had been able to reach.

She is a woman of deep faith, so I believed her action to stem from her willingness to follow God’s promptings.

With all the brokenness in the world, I am glad I have found my anchor and peace in Jesus Christ alone.

Even in my most broken places, God is healing me. I know He is good! When the world seems turned upside down, Jesus is the person I trust most, and run to first.

My life felt like a perpetual winter, but I am finally seeing signs of spring. God is so good to come after me and rescue me.

With hope,

Ruth Renee

#ruthrenee #healingdiaries #jesus #hope #lovethyneighbor #godisgood #spring #watercolor #healingart #cptsdrecovery #healingjourney #cptsdawareness #cptsdsurvivor #rescue

How I Surrender to Grief…

Be Still and Know

Grief sometimes hits unexpectedly like a tsunami wave.

In this hard moment, when I can’t breathe, when the tears won’t stop, when I want to call my dad and can’t, I hold on to the words and love of my Father God.

He is with me, and I am loved by Him. So I have to keep fighting the good fight.

God is faithful. Everything in my life feels like more than I can handle, but God’s got me. God will make everything right, and bring me through another hard time in my life.

I surrender my pain and my heartbreak. I know Jesus weeps with me, that I can lean on Him, and all will be well in His time. It will be better than I ever could imagine.

He can fix my shattered hopes and dreams. He can guide me to a new path and purpose. He will help me figure out how to support myself. He will never leave me. He will carry me in this moment, and walk with me every step of the way in my pain, and letting go of the past.

I want to move forward, keeping my eyes on Jesus, while he helps me follow my dreams to write and take pictures, to use my pain to help others heal, to share my hope in Him with the world to glorify God.

God is working a miracle in me, and in the end, my tears will be transformed into shouts of joy!

My life surrendered to Him, will be better than I ever imagined impossible!

With hope in Jesus,

Ruth Renee

Psalm 46:10-11 NIV

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations

I will be exalted in the earth.”

The LORD almighty is with us;

The God of Jacob is our fortress.

Set free…

Trapped words set free
My time is now
To verbalize what happened
The story of my life
symbolism in everything
Understanding God, truth, poetry
my gift, my talent, my identity

Seeds not buried under a rock
But planted in good soil
Watered enough to grow
Sprout and blossom
Rise up as a sapling tree
Young, small at first
Growing mature, tall, strong
A mighty live oak
Reaching up to the blue, blue sky
A mighty live oak
Filled with leaves year round
Sometimes needing pruning
Always bearing green, green leaves

Thank you, God
For sending me believers
Who showed me who You are
I learned who I really am
I accept the gifts and talents
You gave me before I was born
I am finding my purpose, my calling
My words no longer hidden
My talents no longer buried under a rock

I let go of guilt and shame
I cast my cares on you
Because you care for me
More than I will ever know
It is time now
My time is now
Trapped words set free
Trapped words set free

©RuthRenee
05.17.2020

With hope,

Ruth Renee

#ruthrenee #healingdiaries #healing #words #wordsmatter #poetry #inspiration #writer #poet #imagination #writingchallenge #reimagine #reconnect #restore #mystery #gifts #talent #hope #freedom #free #God #grace

Remembering…

Ice shattered
Unbreakable damn breaking
River overflowing
Rushing fiercely
Like never before

I am remembering
REMEMBERING
who I was

Before the trauma
Before the shame
Before the lies
Before the pain
Before I forgot

Now I know
Fire raging in my heart
I am an artist in recovery

5.13.2020
Ruth Renee

#hope #healing #overcoming #joy #poems #poem #poetry #writing #writingprompt #writingchallenge #remember #hopewriterlife

The Gift of Writing…

Some people tell me how much they love my writing, that it speaks to what they feel in their heart.

Some people tell me I have a way of expressing what they are feeling, but couldn’t find the words to voice.

I have always loved writing in my journal.

I love having a place to write and voice my thoughts.

The page always holds space for me.

The page is always safe.

On the page, I am seen.

On the page, I am heard.

On the page, my voice is not lost.

My voice is recorded in permanent ink.

I can go back, read and reread my own words.

I can see my thoughts clearly.

I can better understand who I am,
what I want, and how to get there.

I held back from sharing my writing for a long, looong time!

I was afraid of criticism.

I was afraid of not being liked.

I was afraid of feeling silly for what was in my heart..

I was afraid of being seen and liked too much.

I was afraid of anything that could possibly lead to me feeling unsafe or unloved.

So I hid!

For 40 years!

But, I’m not hiding anymore.

I’m tired of being afraid.

I’m tired of not living my life to the fullest.

I’m tired of not claiming the gifts God gave me.

I’m tired of not owning my calling, and claiming my destiny!

So here I am! Just me, Ruth Renee!

All I have to give the world is my story!

It is a wild story, with many ups and downs, quite the roller coaster of a ride, but it is filled with hope, healing, and overcoming!!!

God is so good, and I am only who I am today because of Him.

It may sound cheesy, but He is my best friend, and I know I can do anything with Him by my side, holding my hand, carrying me on his shoulders, or even carrying me in His arms at the worst of the worst times!!

He rescued me… He healed me… and He gave me life!

He gave me my life back! He came after me with a fierce, safe love unlike any other I have ever experienced.

He turned my ashes to beauty, my grief to joy!

So here I am, just me, Ruth Renee, sharing my heart with you, “grabbing the snake by the tail,” facing my deepest fear of being seen.

I am a beloved child of God, and He loves me with the fiercest love in the universe, more than I can ever comprehend or imagine in this life.

I know who I am, and am learning to love who God made me to be.

I love God for coming after me, for healing me, for helping me confront and overcome my deepest fears and darkest shame.

I am learning with greater depth each day, God’s goodness and love endure forever. He wants me to receive his compassion and grace.

I am gentle with myself when others are not.

I stop worrying about what others think of me.

I stop thinking I need everyone to like me.

I stop listening to the naysayers.

I listen to the encouragers.

I listen to the heart of God.

I listen to the lost, and the hopeless.

I listen to the suffering, the tired, and the lonely.

My soul shines bright!

My voice will reach those who need to hear what I have to say.

There are too many others like me,

Suffering like I suffered,

Too long without a voice,

feeling helpless, hopeless, powerless…

Sad, alone, hurt and afraid

Too many lost in grief and shame,

Suffering without words,

without voices…

I lend my voice.

I lend my gift from God.

Writing is my purpose.

Writing is my destiny.

A child of God is who I am.

I am a writer in recovery

I am an artist in recovery

And this is where I belong

Welcome to my world!

Welcome to my heart! ♥️

With hope,
Ruth Renee

5.13.2020
Reach/Restore

#ruthrenee #healingdiaries #reach #restore #reimagine2020 #hopewriterlife #writingchallenge #writingprompt #writerforlife #writerslife #writer #godiswithinreach #godisnear #godisgood #hope #healing #overcoming #confidence

How to Rewrite Your Story…

Do you remember when you had a writing assignment in high school English class, and your teacher had you write the paper multiple times?

There was an initial rough draft, maybe a few edits in-between, and at last, a polished final draft.

What if there is a way to rewrite your life?

COVID19 and the near shutdown of the world has given each of us a unique opportunity.

I hear God crying out to the world to slow down and be still long enough to hear him, to re-evaluate our priorities, to remember who we were as children.

What were your hopes and dreams as a child?

Who did you want to become?

Are you living that life today?

What if you could become the person you only dreamed of as a child?

Imagine the possibilities of allowing God to rewrite your life with Him in the lead.

Here I am, an inactive registered nurse, somewhat feeling guilty that I am currently unable to work in the hospital, side-by-side, with my fellow nurses.

In college, I commit myself to “learn the healer’s art.” Yet, I have been unable to work as an RN for the last 7 years.

I thought It was my life calling and profession. But what if it isn’t anymore?

What if I was exactly where I was called to be these past 7 years? At home struggling and learning to fight, to advocate, to write.

It was during this period that I had time to study, research, and learn how to advocate for the health of myself and my children – physically, mentally, emotionally.

I learned I have autoimmune thyroid disease. I found the correct treatment, which brought 2 years of unexplained nausea and vomiting to a halt.

I learned my son has ADHD and CAPD– a central auditory processing disorder.

I learned how to advocate for my son within the public school system, acquiring him the learning adaptations he needs to gain success and confidence.

I learned I also have CAPD, that I’m not lazy or dumb, the mean names I would call myself when I struggled to achieve academic goals or the pursuits of my heart.

I learned how hard I’ve really worked my whole life to do well in school and work. I learned how gifted and talented I am.

I learned I have a genetic condition known as EDS, or Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It makes getting out of bed an everyday battle for me. Yet, I learn how to manage. I learn how to navigate the road map that is my new life.

It was also during this time period that repressed memories of some isolated childhood abuse surfaced. What a wild ride the healing has been! It is still ongoing. But I now see God has been with me every step of the way!!

Because of these struggles, I had to slow down and surrender to God in humility. I now see that God has been rewriting my life these past 7 years

I am learning that I have two callings in life.

Both involve “learning the healer’s art.”

The first is nursing. The second, writing.

Writing and sharing my story about the truth of God rewriting my life for the better…

From one of anxiety to peace,
From one of depression to hope,
From one of searching to purpose,
From one of fear to trusting in Him,
Finally, from one of prolonged grief to Joy!

I slowed down long enough to hear Him.

I allowed Him to show me who I really am…

A beloved child of God.

I am safe. I am home. I am fully alive!

May COVID19 be the time you allow God to rewrite your story.

Imagine the possibilities when you surrender your heart and time to God!

Whatever feels lost, whatever feels wrong, God can rewrite your story for good!

I challenge you that when you don’t know what to do, when you feel uncertain, or think the world is out of control…

Be still and imagine how God would rewrite your life. I am confident it can be done. It is worth the time, and most important of all, you are worth it!

With hope,

Ruth Renee

#ruthrenee #healingdiaries #healing #hope #godisgood #learning #rewrite #rewriteyourstory #rewriteyourlife #trust #calling #nurse #writing #covid19 #bestill #imagine #reimagine2020