Fabulously Forty & Free…

I often struggle with feeling good enough because I haven’t reached my ideal of perfection by a self-imposed deadline. I frequently get down on myself because I’m still a work in progress.

As I approach 40, I realize that chasing perfection in this life is akin to a rabbit running on a wheel chasing a dangling carrot just out of reach.

As long as I am breathing, I will be imperfect and make mistakes. Yet my faults do not make me unlovable; they make me human.

——

I am slowly learning to be okay with my mistakes, to own them, and accept who I am, a child of God. My identity is in Him alone. That is how I find peace.

My greatest failure would be to believe I will ever be a finished masterpiece in this life. God loves me too much to ever stop helping me grow in the Holy Spirit, to ever stop helping me push beyond human limits.

My greatest strength comes not in rising on my own, but in turning to God, trusting Him, letting Him love me every time I fall. It is only in God that I am lifted above the madness of this world, that I am given real freedom.

Ruth Renee

11-15-2019

#healingdiaries #ruthrenee #godisgood #fierce #fabulous #free #childofgod #40thbirthday #40 #perfectionism #deepthoughts #freedom #peace #greatestfailure #greateststrength #lifeperspective #mylifesofar #lettinggo #grabbingholdofgod #godwithwideopenarms #prodigal son

A year can change everything…

What a difference a year and prayer makes!

I am still learning to trust God each morning, each time I feel scared.

I never asked to live with complex PTSD.

I would never wish on another living soul the nightmares, flashbacks, confusion, triggers turned into moments of terror.

But my complex PTSD reminds me I am human and can never do this life without God. It leads me to prayer and the word of God.

He comforts me and calms my wounded heart.

Today, the pain I live with humbles me, and reminds me I am only strong when I allow the Lord to carry me….the hardest truth and love for me to accept.

The pain pushes me to write, so that I may make myself and others aware of the love Jesus offers me, the most precious love of all.

I don’t always understand God’s plan for me, but I am trying to live His way by faith.

I am believing prayer works, and we are never alone.

I choose authentic over perfect.

Perfection is too great a burden to bear.

I am human. I allow myself to make mistakes, and not go into a shame spiral for it.

Admitting I can’t do it all was a hard pill to swallow.

I’m ready to do things God’s way.

Dear daughter,

Do you know that you are LOVED BEYOND MEASURE?

More than your mind can ever comprehend! Even when life gets hard, when you feel scared, alone, sad or unworthy…. please don’t ever give up.

You mean the world to me! You are my everything!

Please know 100% with all your heart, that you are IMPORTANT, WORTHY, and have GREAT IDEAS! I love your cardboard creations, online designer houses, your bold fashion statements and perfect dance moves.

You have a gift of understanding and wisdom that most kids your age don’t have. You are a good friend to people and all animals. You have just the magic touch with our puppies and chickens.

Please know when you feel your worst, when you feel you are not good enough….that you are always enough! You are BRAVE and MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this world EVERY DAY, just by BEING YOU!!!

I can’t wait to see what gift you choose to share most with the world when you grow up. Will you be a teacher, an architect, a singer, a veterinarian, an activist for the environment or animals….? The list goes on and on.

You are so very talented, and your heart is bigger than the Milky Way. You can do whatever your giant heart desires if you put in the work, and I know you can!

I see all the good desires in your heart, and will ALWAYS believe in you, and love you NO MATTER WHAT mistakes you make. Please don’t ever be afraid to be you!

You cannot succeed without making mistakes. An expert is just someone who has failed more times than a beginner has tried.

I BELIEVE IN YOU 200% with all my heart and soul.

I love, love, love you!!! XOXOXO

Love,

Mom

Rest & PTSD…

Telling the story of my past
Overcome with exhaustion
sadness, fear, and hurt

Thoughts haze and fog
Droopy eyelids blink
Head weighs heavy
Memories of trauma
Impossible to carry
Alone

Drive home safe
Collapse into bed
Open the window
Turn on the fan
Weighted blankets
Fetal position
Calves twitch
Intestines flutter
God whispers, “rest”

Weak eyelids closing
I whisper this prayer

God, I’m hurt and scared
This terror from my past
I can’t carry it alone
I need your armor
I need your love
I need you with me

Help me know
it’s safe to rest

Meet me, Jesus
in my worry
hurt and fear

Meet me, Jesus
in my room
on my bed

Make it safe
Make it safe
to sleep
to rest
to be alone

I trust you, Jesus
I surrender

Safe to rest
Safe to rest

Body, surrender
Body, rest

-Ruth Renee
05.16.2020

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To everything there is a season…

God is good!! God is trustworthy! God is faithful.

It took me a long time to take steps to where I believed even the first three words, “God is good!” I have struggled to live my life being able to fully trust and love anyone, most especially myself and God.

Life hit bottom for me 2 years ago. My marriage was ending, and I was in a hospital alone far from home.

I wasn’t expecting any visitors, but I received two. The first was my husband. We got in a fight, and I told him, “don’t come back.” The next time I was told I had a visitor, I couldn’t imagine who else would have driven the hour to see me.

I was brought to tears when I saw it was my kind, new neighbor. I was surprised she had made the hour drive to see me. She sat with me, visited and listened to me, and even brought me a gift.

The gift was a turquoise, leather-bound devotional book. She didn’t know it, but turquoise was my favorite color at the time. I also found the smooth texture of the book to be very comforting during this scary time.

My new neighbor’s act of love to visit me so far away touched the deepest parts of my hurting heart in a way no one else had been able to reach.

She is a woman of deep faith, so I believed her action to stem from her willingness to follow God’s promptings.

With all the brokenness in the world, I am glad I have found my anchor and peace in Jesus Christ alone.

Even in my most broken places, God is healing me. I know He is good! When the world seems turned upside down, Jesus is the person I trust most, and run to first.

My life felt like a perpetual winter, but I am finally seeing signs of spring. God is so good to come after me and rescue me.

With hope,

Ruth Renee

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